Hello there (Big deeply warm hug),
Thoughts of her--my worry over what would become of her--kept me from sleeping. I spoke out, “Lord you promise that for those who believe, 1000 generations will love you. I believe. I’m your servant, I love you and I’m asking that your praise be always on her lips. For her lifetime, encamp around her and rescue her so that her children and her children’s children will have your praise on their lips.”
I spoke this because I know God is our only hope in this battle.
I’m the first generation of C-PTSD cycle breakers in, what I believe, will be a long line of generations to come. The effects of abuse on my genes have been passed down to my children. Research shows that although abuse doesn’t change our DNA, it does get stored in our genes. Therefore, I pass down to my children the sadness, depression, anxiety, and physical memory of abuse stored in my genes along with the environmental effects of abuse. When I say environmental effects of abuse I’m referring to what I verbalize around my children about people and activities I don’t trust, my worry, my fears, and my attachment issues. For years, I spoke these things out loud, teaching my children to not trust the world as I have not trusted the world.
For some, this can be discouraging. Let me encourage you:
If you are in a long line of C-PTSD cycle breakers, your fight is not in vain. Your fight will help the next generation fight a little less. Keep going, good job! Be proud of yourself!
I’m a fighter. I have worked and toiled to overcome abuse my entire life. I can’t say I’ve done it gently. My healing has been fueled and led by my anger. My battle cry has been, “Fuck you (Satan), come and see what God has done!”
However, in this new season, I find myself living more gently, recognizing the destruction brought on by needing a battle cry in the first place. Being the second-generation cycle breaker, my girl will have to do the work I wasn’t able to do. Because of my trauma, I’ve passed down so many things: woundedness, hardness, years of undiagnosed and then diagnosed mental illness or injury (however you categorize complex trauma), to pieces and glimpses of love, attachment and joy. This confuses her.
I think about her babies and the next fight for generational change. Now I need compassion, empathy, grace, joy, and gentleness to be a part of my battle cry, because my girl needs me to be these things in the next stages of her life. She has a battle of her own coming and my love for her hopes her battle cry can be gentler than mine.
I won’t beat myself up for not gently crawling out of that deep black hole of abuse. As a matter of fact, I often praise myself, and God, reminding myself that, because of what God has done, and because of my obedience, I’m killing it in life. However, now that I’m out of that hole, compassion needs to lead my battle cry. Because the first cycle breaker is the foundation for the next generations, I’ve decided I want to hold those generations in my arms and I want my battle cry to be this song,
“The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made. All your works praise you, Lord; your faithful people extol you. They tell of the glory of your kingdom and speak of your might, so that all people may know of your mighty acts and the glorious splendor of your kingdom. Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does. The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy. My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord. Let every creature praise his holy name for ever and ever.” Psalm 145:8-21
***
Cycle breaker,
Your toil, your fight, your healing--no matter how painful or angry or fierce--has reduced the amount of work your children have to do. Rejoice and be glad about this. God sings over you with thanksgiving, He is proud of you. In the same way, He has cared for you, He will care for the next generations. Trust Him.
Are you a cycle breaker? Leave your thoughts in the comments. I’d love to hear from you!
I hope you have a safe place to sleep tonight and a full belly. Praying for your mental health.
-Evangeline
For more on developing a relationship with Jesus while Living with C-PTSD, grab your copy of, Calling Him Trusted, Evangeline’s first book!
To hear more from Evangeline, click the button below and scroll down to the bottom of the page.
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